Thursday, 28 April 2011

The unspoken promise.

I know I will miss getting to make any vows to you.  There will never be the chance to stand in front of the people I cherish the most and tell them that you are the one person in this world I love more than anything.  I will forgo the joy of being thought of as the most beautiful women in the room for a day, of living the fairytale that has played out in my head a hundred times.  It saddens me a little to know I will never have the simple band of metal upon my finger that says I belong, I am somebody’s special someone; I’m home.  Such a simple ring, a sign of everlasting, continuing commitment which I would love to look down at everyday and know I am safe.  For me this will not happen.  But the loss I feel the most is that I will never be able to tell you, or the world, how I feel.  The chance will never be presented where my feelings can be unashamedly told without fear or prejudice.  I will not be able to tell you that I choose you, I take you into my heart, give you my soul and all that I have and are, all that I own and give it to you unreservedly.  We will never get to know the feeling of considering being together in sickness or in health that however rich or poor we are that being together is the most important thing.  The unspoken words that I want to be the best version of me for you, that every day I would need to strive to be as good as I can be as you deserve so much more that I ever could be.  That I would try and make you happy every day and even though time will not be kind to my appearance the love I have will never fade or depreciate, wither or die, it will always burn strong.  How can I not get to tell you these things as saying I love you every minute of every day is not enough?

Friday, 25 March 2011

"Time, which changes people, does not alter the image we have retained of them-Marcel Proust"

Trying to explain the fact that life is different now to one of your oldest friends is tough.  Today I was trying somehow put into words how I feel, and feel like I failed.  Especially as that friend missed the life changing event as they were hundreds of miles away when I needed them the most.  I know it wasnt their fault they weren't there; being posted in Afghanistan is as good an excuse as I would accept for not being at my side but still feels as though they missed me change and we cant get that back.
When I got my diagnosis I didnt have a lot of time before my surgery; Thursday lunchtime was the time of truth and I was first on the list on the Tuesday after, in surgery literally at the crack of dawn.  In that time I had to get a load of scans and tests, have a pre op appointment and try to speak to the people that matter in my life.  Quite a weekend.
When someone is posted to Afghanistan, calling them for a chat isn't on the cards, even if was as urgent as it felt to me.  So Facebook was the only way.  That was the start of change; I was seriously unsure of how to say "this is what I want to tell you in case we never get to speak again".  It seems to have changed from there.
Here we are at the present day and they are due to go back to Afghanistan for 9 months or more and we are trying to meet up before they go.  For some reason I am at a stumbling block.  Yesterday they said "so you free to come for a drink tomorrow night"?  Simples?  No.  You see being free with my time and free with my mind are two different things.  I have nothing planned tonight, but I don't feel free to go, far from it.
Sometimes just going for a drink is unsurmountable; not through fear or anxiety but through a need for safety, security and a familliar that just a way trying to make fear sound glamerous?
When I was at my lowest I was in a place surrounded by my colleagues, my friends, my support.  I had my wonderful boyfriend at my side for the most part, and my mum there when I let her.  The hospital room became my world, my friends and colleagues saw me at a low where I didnt recognise myself.  They were all there every step of the way, whenever I needed them.  I then went home, petrified.  I gradually adjusted to my new safety net with the same support network behind it.
Then things changed, I moved house, county and eventually started a new job.  This blew my notion of safety apart.  Different environment, people who I relied on over a hundred miles away, just my one constant by my side, my rock but the surrounding ground felt so unsteady, and to a large extent still does.
On his return my friend had missed it all, diagnosis to operation to recovery to problems to admission after admission, the waiting for results, the unknown, the fear, the knowing the support.  And now he sees me, as I was with some scars which are visible to the eye but a whole world of scars he will never see.

Thursday, 3 February 2011

New Years Revolutions

It's been a while my friends, too long.  I looked back to see when I last blogged and it was much longer than I thought.  Now this I am sure is for many reasons, being at work I am busier and more tired, getting life back on track..however I think that these are more superficial excuses than reasons.  I think reading back over my last blog I was probably a little worried to 'expose' myself again (don't panic I mean purely on an emotional level!)
I was surprised by some peoples really honest and kind comments, and that people I know now have a little insight into the post big C me. 
I have missed the feel of the keys and the formation of ideas for writing blogs, poems, books whatever I can lay my grey matter on so I have turned it around and think that I need to get back on the word horse and write again. 
So here I am, with nothing deeply profound to say but writing; something, anything.  As I do it I know I have missed it and was a fool to be afraid!  Just another fear to add to the list!